See Dick Distance

See Dick Distance

As the world turns, as the flowers bloom, as the COVID spreads I am trying to stay normal, trying to stay sane and trying not to harass Tales and Kobo too much. Everything I read about how to fortify your mental health during this crisis recommends maintaining your routine as much as possible. Lethargy and complacency will only lead to thoughts spiraling out of control and then you find yourself with a skid of toilet paper and not enough shits to give.

Okay, so routine. This morning Tales and I got up early and took Kobo for a walk. We noticed that walking down the sidewalk is like playing a game of chicken. Who’s going to give in first and cross the street? The chicken, that’s who. The very ethical chicken who appreciates his health and free range. Maybe it’s a Canadian thing, but we noticed that people need to apologize and explain why they are avoiding you or make a joke so they don’t appear rude.

“We’re going to be really good at measuring things,” said the elderly woman as she created space between us.

“Yup, gotta keep six inches between us. I mean feet. Six feet. Have a great day!” I replied.

When Tales and I planned our bathroom renovation, little did we know that we would be social distancing and staying at home. Initially, we were showering at our friends’ house, but as confirmed cases continue to climb we have chosen to be responsible and stay home. As we are staying active daily, thanks to the ongoing programming from Polsky’s Strength and Conditioning, you can imagine how ripe the nooks and crannies of our bodies are beginning to smell. Why does body odour always smell like last night’s pizza? Now I don’t want pizza and that’s sad.

In order to quench the stench before six feet isn’t far enough away, Tales and I filled up a bucket of water, grabbed the soap and stepped out into our backyard. Luckily, it was a balmy six degrees so we didn’t have to practice our Wim Hof breathing.

I can only imagine what our neighbours were thinking:

“Hey Heather, Dick and Tales are half-naked in the backyard.”

“Hey Kurt, Dick and Tales ⸺”
“Let me guess, they’re eating some kind of organic superfood, pumping out air squats and doing it all in their underwear?”

“Hey Rose, Dick and Tales are bathing in the backyard.”
“Gross, they’re sharing one bucket!”

Okay, so we didn’t exactly think that one through. Next time there will be a cleaning bucket and a rinsing bucket so as not to defeat the purpose of a thorough cleansing.

Although most of us may not have all the same luxuries and freedoms we are used to at this time, we should still be grateful for the necessities that we do have. We have access to food, water, shelter, healthcare and various forms of communication to keep us connected with each other. Aroma Cafe is also taking online orders and dropping off coffee beans; they need an Instagram sticker for saving Waterloo Region from  uncaffeinated monsters.

For those of us who are laid off, like myself, now is the time to do those things we always say we never have time to do. Just do the damn things. No more excuses!

And remember, Missy Elliott has never been more relevant than right now.

COVID-19 is shutting down the world:
“Listen up everyone! We have been just informed that there’s an unknown virus that’s attacking all clubs. Symptoms have been said to be heavy breathing, wild dancing, coughing. So when you hear the sound WHO-DI-WHOOOO! Run for cover motherfucker.”
– Pass That Dutch

When you want to go outside, just think:
“Is it worth it? [Should I] work it? I put my thing down, flip it and reverse [my ass back inside].”
– Work It

Just stay home with your boo:
“Ain’t nothing out there for me. This is where I wanna be. I dun already been in the streets. And I ain’t came across nothin’ so sweet.”
– Nothing Out There For Me